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5 Things I’m No Longer Apologizing For in Dating

confident woman

Subconsciously or consciously, how often do you find yourself apologizing? You slightly bump into a stranger and you mutter a ‘sorry.’ A coworker interrupts you, and yet, you find yourself stammering to apologize first. Or, perhaps just as frequently, you find yourself talking about a bad date and when you feel like your friend has had enough, you quickly quiet yourself, say you’re ‘sorry for venting’ and move on.

It’s a habit that many women (and men) are guilty of and one that’s difficult to break. Continuously shaming yourself doesn’t help build your confidence, and often times can be unattractive to possible boyfriends or girlfriends who are looking for a partner, not someone who can’t hold their own. While it might not feel like it’s in your nature to stand up, speak up, and be proud of your opinions, convictions, and emotions, chances are, your date will be impressed with your willingness to be open, vulnerable, and honest about how you think and feel.

In my past several years of being single and going on (way too many) dates, it’s taken me a lot of time (and wine) to finally figure out how to be brave enough to be myself. And while I haven’t met that right person yet, I have learned how to have courage and to stop apologizing for these things:

1. I’m not sorry that I expect you to communicate.

Online dating can wear on anyone – there’s constant back-and-forth exchanges, but very little face-to-face time to genuinely get to know someone. There’s also many messages to weed through that can be boring, rude or just plain ridiculous. For a while, I would always step up and speed up the conversation myself, oftentime apologizing for being so forward. The funny thing? Men never cared that I carried the conversation, but I did. In a future partner, I really want someone who is not only a talker, but that can ask interesting questions, have meaningful decisions, and hopefully, teach me a thing or two from his own wealth of wisdom. I’m not sorry that I want a communicator – I’m sorry I ever thought I could settle for less than that.

2. I’m not sorry that I have deal breakers.

Over the years, due to age and to what I’ve experienced in the dating world, my deal breakers have changed. I’ve become lenient on certain things, while other qualities matter much more to me than they did when I was in my early 20s. But oftentimes when a friend or family member asks you, ‘What was wrong with that guy?’ and you give them an answer as simple as, ‘The chemistry wasn’t there’ – they always raise an eyebrow.

For better or for worse, not being attracted to someone – regardless if that’s based on height, mannerisms, voice or a million other things – is just as important as their personality. And well, if it’s a big deal to you to be with someone who is ambitious or loving or has a great family, that’s fine. I’m no longer apologizing for being ‘too picky’ or ‘having too high of standards’ because I’m not and I don’t. I simply know what I want, and I know when it’s there or not. After all, practice makes perfect and dating is something I’ve definitely been working hard at.

3. I’m not sorry for being honest.

Yeah, I used to laugh at jokes that I thought were inappropriate, condescending or crude. And sure, I used to just go along with the conversation, even if I disagreed. I would bite my tongue to avoid confrontation, but now? I’m excited to share, unafraid to argue and convicted in my beliefs. If a date says something that I find offensive, I will politely call them out on it. If I really don’t want to split the cheese-and-meat platter, I’ll pass. If I don’t want to have another drink because I’m not interested, I won’t have one to save his feelings. I not only value my time (and my date’s time), but I know what I’m worth and I know that pretending to be attracted when I’m not, will only end in more disappointment than it’s worth.

4. I’m not sorry that I still want romance.

Now, you can skip the rose petals and the soft music with candles dimly lit in the background. But kind, thoughtful gestures – like opening the door for me – they’re still important. While the digital age and the generation of getting-what-we-want-when-we-want-it has made us all invested in an instant-gratification mantra, the reality is that there is still something sexy about mystery and romance. You could Google me and know everything, you could take me to the place with the most Yelp stars, or you could actually take the time to get to know me and not be afraid to express how you feel. To me, that willingness and those gentlemanly acts are the things that will make me feel connected and appreciated. And yes, in the mood, too.

5. I’m not sorry that I want real love.

The truth is, if I really wanted just any ‘ole boyfriend, I would have had a dozen by now. There have been plenty of fine guys, okay men, and dudes that likely would have wanted to be exclusive…but I would also be bored out of my mind. So many friends have given me a hard time or questioned if I would ever find a guy to hold my attention, but I’m not worried (most of the time). I would rather have the opportunity to meet someone special than to waste time with a fleeting relationship. There is so much of the world to see, so many adventures to have, and so many things to learn without being tied down to someone you don’t actually want to build a life with.

Chemistry: You Know You Want It, but What Is It?

chemistry

Chemistry is definitely a requirement for a fulfilling relationship, but it doesn’t always transpire in the way we would like to think. Most of us have visions of being swept off of our feet by Mr./Ms. Right. We imagine there will be that initial, magical moment where our eyes lock and we lose ourselves in each other, but real life is a little more complicated.

Have you ever disagreed with a friend about whether or not someone was attractive? My guess is that you have. The reason is because chemistry is unique to each individual. It’s about way more than just someone’s physical appearance. Someone you may not initially find attractive can become much more attractive within mere moments of chatting with them face to face.

On rare occasions you may have instant chemistry with someone, but be careful because that physiological attraction response can be misleading. In order for a relationship to be successful, there needs to be more than just physical attraction.

On a deep level, chemistry truly begins with sharing the same philosophies about life. What deeply connects us to someone and creates that spark is often likeness. At our core, we all want to share certain experiences and values — and we feel validated by people who share those values. It is helpful to share the same philosophies about life, children, family, money, intimacy, and communication.

It is also important to be able to share some day-to-day passions that the two of you can engage in together, be that golf, meatballs, Star Wars, or Bruno Mars concerts. Living a happy life together is about sharing experiences.

Your experience of chemistry with someone is also influenced by the way that person carries himself or herself. Again, what you find attractive here is based on your own unique persona. Some are attracted to smart and quiet, others the boisterous life of the party.

A part of how your match treats you is how he or she responds to your efforts to show you care about them. We all make gestures to try and show our care, love, and affection for a partner. How your partner responds to your specific gestures is a big part of chemistry. If your gestures are well received and appreciated, the chemistry you feel toward them will skyrocket.

I am the lead matchmaker for eHarmony’s personal matchmaking service, eH+. Every day I talk with clients who we are helping find love. I often hear them say, “If I am not attracted to a match’s photo, I am not interested.” For me, this is such a shame. I feel like many people miss out on love because they are stuck behind a computer analyzing someone’s potential from a distance.

Here’s what we explain to our clients. Chemistry is a tricky and complicated thing, comprised of many different connections with a person. I can’t even tell you how many times I have had an open minded client say something like “I am not feeling an initial attraction, but I will go out with him.” When we follow up on the date, she will often say “I was so shocked because he was more attractive in person!”

Here’s my best advice: If someone seems to have a lot of the qualities you are looking for, get out there and meet them. That will be the only way to really determine if you have chemistry with them.

6 Things to Stop Now if You Want a Successful Relationship

The way forward railway in vintage filter

1. Quit thinking it WON’T last. Going into a relationship thinking it’s doomed means only one thing – it is. Every time things aren’t perfect you’ll feel validated. “See? I knew it. We didn’t have a chance.” If you honestly believe relationships will never stand the test of time then the reality is you will sabotage each one to ensure that you are right. You will test each partner to see how much of your bad behavior they can tolerate before finally leaving you as you yell, “I knew you’d never stay” to a slamming door. If this is you–don’t date until you’ve figured this out.

2. Quit playing games. You’re mad. Or sad. Or hurt. Your partner asks, “What’s wrong?” And you say, “nothing.” Or yell about something else entirely later that evening. Stupid, childish, relationship-killing games. Eventually people keep score. Get even. Withdraw affection. Stop trying to even find an answer. Instead? Talk to each other! Explain. Listen. Find a solution. Take hurt and anger out of the equation because they are two of the most manipulative, reactive, and dangerous emotions to use while trying to communicate respectfully.

3. Quit thinking love is enough. In the long run, couples who make it through the good and bad still caring for each other have more going for them than just love. They truly LIKE their partner too. Liking can get you through a lot. Love is about attraction. Commitment. Attachment. But liking is about the joy. Respect. Fun. And contentment. If you can look at your partner and say you genuinely LIKE them. Want to be with them. Can talk to them. Can be FRIENDS with them – then you’ve got something to hold on to.

4.Quit being jealous. If they truly can’t be trusted – then why would you date them in the first place? And if they are trustworthy but you have a problem because of past betrayals, then get your own act together before you demolish someone else’s self-esteem with your insecurities and baggage. The flip side? If you find yourself in a relationship where the other person is jealous and you are doing nothing to warrant it? Walk away fast. Jealousy is NOT a sign of love. It’s possessive and demeaning. Long lasting relationships are anchored in trust.

5.Quit settling for less than you want. Relationships are based on equal balances of power. Meaning each brings some strengths to the table that the other one doesn’t have. When you accept someone who doesn’t meet (or even come close) to what you want – you’re settling. And settling never made anyone happy long term. Successful couples last because they both respect the value and worth of the other.

6.Quit thinking you need someone else in order to be happy. Go about your life. Stop waiting. Make friends. Be outstanding at work. Travel. Get in shape. Eat healthy. Be happy. The kind of person you are looking for doesn’t want an unhappy, miserable, lonely or desperate partner. The more you take care of yourself and become self-fulfilled the more people will want to be with you. Love you. Stay with you. It’s time to QUIT some behaviors that create dysfunctional partnerships and start attracting people who love you and want to be with you for all the right reasons.

7 Things Not to Take For Granted When You’re Single

single advice

When you’d give anything – and we mean anything – to meet someone special to share your life with, it can be (very) annoying to hear: “But, trust me, you’ll miss these times one day!!” Especially when those words are coming from your dearest friend, who has, in your opinion, what seems like the happiest relationship.

But before you start to turn green with envy, remember the different kind of green: the other side of the relationship token, where single life gives you some advantages that coupled-up folks don’t always have the opportunity to enjoy. While you hope to – and let’s be real, you will! – meet someone to share your life with, having a few months or years to be single and make choices for yourself, without considering anyone else, is a blessing in disguise. Apart from teaching you how to stand confidently on your own and having the freedom to come and go (or sit and read) as you please, this time of flying solo can make you stronger and feel freer than any other part of your life.

In no particular order, here are some pretty killer things to never take for granted when you’re single:

1. That Netflix cue? It’s all yours. One day, you’ll have to share it with Mr. Law & Order SVU.

You know your saved favorites? And how you look forward to crawling into bed to watch that late-night episode before falling asleep? Well, one day, you’ll have someone who might get a bit upset if you skip ahead in the season… or when you want to watch a girly movie and he’s not into it. Savor that que, babe.

2. Whatever you want for dinner, you got it. But not forever.

Pick up Chipotle on your way home from bootcamp class? Or decide you’ll just have some carrots and guac with some banana chips for dessert? Enjoy having your own dinner schedule because when you live with someone, you’ll have to talk about what you’re having for dinner on gchat.. every darn day.

3. Feel kind of overwhelmed by your summer plans and weddings to attend? Now double those invites.

Yep, his second cousin’s second wedding that’s a 5-hour flight away is just as important as your high school best friend’s bachelorette party in Vegas. Start strategizing those vacation days now.

4. Love sleeping with five pillows in the middle of your bed? One day, we’re sorry, but you’ll have to share.

He might not be a fan of surrounding himself with pillows and might not like that you push him off the bed to make more space for your dog.

5. Want to do absolutely nothing but sleep late, take a mid-day yoga class and go shopping on the weekends? Do it now.

Because when you meet someone pretty great, you’ll want to spend some time with him. You might even stay up late. Or he might snore and wake you up and you’ll be too tired for downward dog. Or you’ll have another one of those BBQs or weddings to attend. You’re free girl, savor it.

6. Last-minute, solo trip to the Caribbean with the girls, just because you have some money and it’s a good price? Book that baby!

…because one day, you probably will want to take your man along for a romantic getaway. Or you’ll want to save that cash for something more practical, like a house, a wedding…or babies.

7. Do you love your framed artwork and your shabby-chic style? Or maybe you’re more modern with colorful accents. However you like to design your space… go crazy now.

Because he might not want that image of Marilyn Monroe or inspirational quote calendar to hang in your living room when you move in together.